#004: Conformity Kills!
Conformity Kills
Maybe We Should Listen More...
This Section: 2min Read.
Kids can be the best teachers.
I purposefully created the feature image of this post to convey how much we can learn from our kids.
Look at it again. Really take it in! The enormity of what it symbolises.
You have kids from a war-torn city. This is very relevant today, with wars in Ukraine and Gaza. They are playing the game Jenga with old rubble. The rubble was made accessible by the bombings they endured.
Both kids are from different sides. They don't see each as Other.
They are drawn to the innate unity - that's within all of us.
They are just being human. Playing a game. Being true to themselves.
Kids accept kids for who they are. Kids accept anyone for who they are. Kids just be themselves, they don't care where you are from. They don't care how much power you have. They don't care what you have or don't have. They see you.
They don't care if you can speak their language or not. Have you ever noticed kids from different countries playing on holiday?
7-38-55 Communication Rule
That leads me to the 7-38-55 rule. It was created by a psychologist Albert Mehrabian to describe how we communicate. He explained that our words only convey 7% of what we say. This is in relation to our feelings or attitudes. The remaining 93% is conveyed through our tone of voice (38%) and facial expressions (55%).
Only 7% is conveyed by what we actually say. That's insane.
You notice this phenomena at work when you know someone is lying to you, but not sure how. Something's off. It's because what they are saying is not congruent with how they are delivering their communication.
This is how kids from different countries speaking different languages coming from different cultures can communicate. Play is a universal language.
We can learn from our kids.
They seek to connect to people who are different from them. W can lean in a little and be curious to learn about people who are different.
Develop an understanding about them - we might not like them, that's ok. We still respect them.
We can accept them for who they are. Instead of fearing them or fearing what is different to you.
Jenga - Who Knew?
2.5min Read.
Do you believe in serendipity? Things that happen that turn out to be nice little surprises or pleasant coincidences.
I have experienced serendipity when writing this post.
I started noticing the connections when I was editing. I Googled to double check that I was being respectful to different cultures when researching the meaning of Jenga.
I found that Jenga was created by Leslie Scott over 40 years ago.
The word Jenga means to build in Swahili.
Interesting! I thought. To build, hmmm...we are building and inspiring an inclusive mindset together - a community.
A paradigm that seeks to understand first, before judgement takes hold.
A mindset of acceptance.
A rally to celebrate and accept diversity, rather than fight it.
Eliminating the pressure to conform. Freeing people from their internal mind chatter that berates them.
972 Million People
Currently, 12% of the global population are suffering from mental disorders...almost 1 Billion people. Something's gotta give!
And a massive 71% of global anxiety burden could be avoided if the appropriate treatment was available to people.
With approx 130 million people that have persistent ADHD since childhood. 2.6% of the population.
Let's start with us. With you. With me.
Let's allow people to just be.
Give them the space to find themselves.
Contribute to this world in their own unique, special way.
Feel that they belong.
Conformity Kills.
I hear all the voices now - that's not practical, you are living in wishful dream land, what about power, corruption, money bla, bla, bla.
Why not?
Ask yourself what's the alternative? Are we making our people sick?
I know I have been guilt of and I'm still working on my judgements.
Look around you. Look at the country next to you. The continent next to that.
I'm not asking you to fix the world. I'm asking you to look deep inside you.
To stop and ask yourself, what has my contribution been? Have I been running with the automatic deeply ingrained beliefs like everyone else? Where did I adopt these beliefs from? Do they align with the person I want to be?
If we all paused and asked ourselves difficult questions, the world will fix itself.
Reminds me of one of my favourite quotes to ponder:
The unexamined life is not worth living. Socrates.
Jenga is a game that requires a gentle touch. Much like the thoughtful and careful approach needed when inspiring an inclusive community.
At the deepest level everyone just wants to feel they matter.
Who have we helped to feel that they matter today?
As someone who has ADHD and spent guts of the last year researching what it is and how it affects me. Trying to answer the question; what's wrong with me? I realised a lot of my emotional pain was trying to understand why I didn't belong and forcing myself to conform - to ultimately matter!
My internal interpretation - albeit negative - why I didn't belong.
I felt that if I masked my symptoms, do what others do, be like others be that I'll matter. I'll belong. I didn't know that I can belong...as me.
Image Source.
Connection
44sec Read.
Connection is one of our basic needs for for survival. Our lives depend on it.
Maslow has it as the Number One psychological need, after physiological and safety.
Why have we developed a culture that forces people conform to belong? You'll be rewarded with connection conditionally? Your value and self worth is measured by external things?
It baffles me. Seriously, it does. I don't understand it. Or is it just me? Is there a gap in my mental computation that I don't understand? Or, is it only me who is looking at the world through this lens?
I'd love to hear your thoughts, please comment below or contact me directly.
#ADmomo - Back to Jenga lol.
Serendipity! While searching on Google I came across an article by Jeff Cunningham. It resonated so much with me as it cemented my core feelings around Conformity Kills.
Jeff discusses using Jenga as a metaphor for life.
Letting Go.
4.5min Read.
Removing those layers that no longer serve us. Like letting go of jobs, letting go of relationships or letting go ways of thinking. Perhaps societies and cultures can become more flexible, open maybe? Still keep certain traditions but communicate without those silent looks or nods that make us feel we have to conform.
For me, I'm letting go of the belief there's something wrong with me. That I'm not normal. That I'm not enough. That I don't matter. That I don't belong.
And make room for what does serve us.
I'm listening to my body. I'm allowing myself to be guided by what is right for me. I've muted everyone else. I don't know what that is right for me looks like yet. I'm in unchartered waters. It's uneasy. It's uncomfortable. It's scary.
I feel as if I'm naked, centre stage, in a room full of people with eyes on me. I'm exposed. But I'm ok with that? It's a strange sensation. I've never felt like this before. Is this true self esteem? Confidence?
Being brutally honest, I feel I have no other choice.
I have pushed myself past my limit. My mind, body and soul repulse what I was doing to myself previously. Every cell in my body repels what's not for me. And I get an abundance of energy by following what is for me. It's fascinating sitting in the witness chair. I'm intrigued. I'm curious.
That's how I know it's important.
My health is riding on it. My life depends on it.
Jenga, it's a process of elimination that gives birth to renewal. Like pruning a garden.
Someone dear to my heart gave me a baby photo of myself and asked that I pin it somewhere so I can see it everyday. It's beside my computer screen. It serves as a reminder for me to be kind to myself daily. How could you not be kind to a babyface? Try it for yourself.
This process, whatever the outcome, is me being kind to my inner child. Here's the photo, it was taken in the early 1980's.
#ADmomo - I digress...back to serendipity lol.
Serendipity! I created the feature images of this post months ago after hearing something disturbing on the radio about the Israeli and Palestinian war. The idea about showing kids playing Jenga with the rubble that was made available through the relentless bombing resonated.
Northern Ireland, where I am from, had it's own war...The Troubles. I remember growing up, not wanting to know anything about religions. To me, being identified as a Catholic or Protestant was the reason you were targeted, killed.
I wanted to reach out to the other side. I wanted to play with the Protestants. My curiosity was ignited. I couldn't understand why we were not supposed to like them. I felt I had to dislike people I never met for reasons I didn't know. It confused me as I couldn't understand why.
Now, as an adult and knowing the history I can see why it was a delicate time. It sparked the inspiration of creating the image of kids playing with the bricks to convey there's unity in each of us. We just have to pause to find it.
A few weeks after creating the images. I woke up super early in the morning and wrote the opening piece, Conformity Kills.
Words keep pouring out of me.
The Conformity Kills piece came from my heart, it was a way for me to communicate how I have been feeling all my life, masking my ADHD symptoms and conforming to fit in - losing the sense of me in the process - until I turned 40.
This is when I began the process of untangling my web, gaining an understanding and self acceptance.
Jenga, the concept of building blocks on top of each other creates a visual of core stability. Like the psychology of a square.
A strong foundation. Exuding a sense of peace by knowing the familiar. A reason why people want you to conform, to be familiar, I guess.
(#ADmomo - I drew this diagram from my ReMarkable. I love it! It keeps all my notes in one place, access to the cloud and ZERO distractions from the Internet that allows me to think in peace. AND...it feels like I’m writing on paper!)
But...like life, Jenga can crumble as a ton of bricks. We need to be gentle. We need to look after ourselves. Mindfully choose our next move.
If we go too fast, we will lose our balance and crash.
If we chip away at one side of the square, we will lose our balance and crash.
If we aim too high, we wont have the foundation to support us and we'll crash.
If we hang on, we stay stuck.
Jenga, a metaphor for life.
To be stable, we have to accept change and its forms. We must also feed the other three sides of the square. We should care for our mental and physical health. We should surround ourselves with good people who want the best for us. We should listen to our soul to follow our purpose.
To find our purpose we need to get used to letting go of our past one block at a time. Sit in that silence. Listening to our soul.
Letting go of our beliefs. Letting go of our attitudes. Letting go of jobs. Letting go of relationships. Letting go of everything...eventually!
Change is our only constant.
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To our creative adventures ahead.
Charlene x
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