Part 1: Unveiling ADHD

This section: 1min Read.

This blog series aims to create awareness about neurodiversity and mental illnesses, or as I like to call them mental impairments.

Awareness creates an understanding which in turn breeds empathy and eventually acceptance. Those who we understand, we accept. Those who we accept, we don’t fear and can live in harmony with.

Recently, it may seem like doctors have diagnosed many adult women with ADHD. My research revealed that in the past, doctors thought only boys could get ADHD. As you can imagine, this left a lot of girls undiagnosed. ADHD symptoms look different in boys than in girls - which added to the confusion for the professionals back then. 

I was one of those girls that went undiagnosed (misdiagnosed) until I was 41. I reveal all here. The emotional and practical challenges, the grief, the misidentification and eventually acceptance. It has been a rollercoaster!

Thankfully, research and medical technology have come a long way. Not to mention the attitudes of the professionals - with the introduction of women to the workplace.

I learned from others sharing their personal stories rather than scientific papers. Hearing from real people who face practical problems was more valuable to me. It was more valuable than any medical documentation. I learned from the solutions they came up with.

Here is my contribution!

I hope you'll find these insights helpful. Maybe they'll be useful and even a bit enlightening :)

 

Confusion, Brain Fog & Anxiety  

3min Read.

I thought I was perimenopausal! How wrong was I? 

I was in a consistent brain fog state. I didn’t know where I was going or what I was doing. I was getting more forgetful. Some days, I found myself staring at the computer for hours.

I did nothing - staring at the screen - lost in a daze. 

I was full of anxiety. I wasn’t sleeping well. I had already been to the doctor a few months before. They said I was suffering from grief...I lost my Mum to covid 10 months before.

Ok! I thought, let’s go through the motions.

Underneath it all I knew there was something else, but what? I didn’t know. I was so confused.

A multitude of different things could explain all the symptoms above. I was taking an antidepressant that reduces symptoms of PTSD and anxiety.

Which helped. Until it didn’t. And I needed a bigger dosage a few months later. And then, a bigger dosage a few months after that. 

Totally unsustainable.

There was something else at play here, but what?

These questions filled my mind. They raised my anxiety and started a fierce internal spiral of emotion. So deep, I couldn’t cope. 

I stopped working. I cancelled contracts. I withdrew from a significant life event. I didn’t want to see anyone. I retreated. I disappeared into myself. It was awful. I felt like I was losing my mind. I didn’t trust myself anymore. 

Not trusting yourself is the scariest feeling. 

Profoundly unsettling!

The shadows took over me.

Once were whispering doubts - now each had a megaphone screaming for my attention. 

Millions of them. All at once!

Unknowingly at the time, they were fuelled by ADHD cognitive dissonance. My mind was like the climax of a hard house rave. Getting louder and louder.

I had zero control over the volume.

I could feel the vibrations of anxiety in my body. It was like I was standing next to the speaker - boom, boom, boom. The vibrations raced through my chest. Jerking with the force of a rugby tackle.

The force of a car crash.

I could only manage short, ragged gasps of air. 

I broke into cold sweats, my hands were clammy.

The back of my throat was sore with the dryness of crying so hard.

My vision was blurred by floods of tears that wouldn't stop.

My head spinning, not dizziness but an incessant... relentless... mirage…of self loathing thoughts.

Hitting me - at the core of my identity!

I didn't trust my ability to make reasonable decisions. Any small decision actually. No - any decision at all. Wow! 

When you lose trust in yourself like that, you not only lose trust in your judgement. You lose trust in your intuition and your being. You lose your confidence. You crumble - literally!

What amplified the panic - I seemed to have it all together. To have life figured out. I'm successful. Intelligent. I worked out my sh*t over years of therapy - like WTF? How is this happening to me?

Adding to my bafflement.

Each thought stabbed my body like shards of glass, the pain piercing my muscles and organs. My body was tense and aching all over. 

It cracked under the weight of my repressed fears and pent-up feelings.

My chest tightened. My breaths were shorter and more shallow. 

As if invisible cords were coiling around my chest like a snake.

The walls seemed to close in, my world got smaller and smaller. 

I was suffocating myself.

My world became a muffled echo. 

I could only hear a high pitched tone. Bleaching my brain as I crumpled into a foetal position, in my wife's arms. 

I was having an emotional breakdown. I was burnt out.

Why? 

An Emotional Breakdown

1min Read.

I remember coming off all social media. Off WhatsApp, which was my primary source of communication with friends and family.

Isolating myself completely.

Off watching the news. Off my emails. Ignoring any calls. I never answered the door.

Disconnecting completely from the world. 

In hindsight, this was a blessing in disguise as I don't read newspapers any more. I don't watch mainstream media either. I protect my mind.

I don't have the emotional capacity for all the negativity. I can't handle it. It's too much.

The intensity of my emotions just paralyses me. I can't handle any footage of the wars that are happening in Ukraine and Gaza. I cry. I freeze. I’m rendered useless and can't do anything.

So this is my way to contribute. My way to create a positive impact in my teeny part of our world. I want to promote what's innate in us all - being a good human. To promote acceptance and understanding. To inspire curiosity. To inspire inclusion. To inspire creativity. To explore. To question. And experience real connection.

While having an adventurous journey along the way.

This gives me energy. It doesn't drain my energy like the news. I'm on it. I jump out of bed without an alarm. I'm full of ideas and energy. I'm driven by motivation that I have never felt before.

I have a sense of purpose. 

Retreating Can Be Good - Sometimes.

2.5min Read.

In hindsight, I was looking after myself by retreating. Though it didn’t feel like that at the time as it was the scariest time of my life.

By not exposing myself to the world and worldviews of the media or friends and family. This allowed me to find my own voice. It gave me the silence I needed - to connect with my soul and really listen.

Finding out who I was in the process.

Going through this journey, I can see how people can think there isn't any other option for them. Thankfully, I hadn’t gone that far.

But wow! I can understand. I experienced a teeny bit of what people with severe mental impairments experience. It's horrendous. I have the utmost respect and empathy for them, especially in their darkest moments.

Mental Illnesses/Impairments are the Invisible Illness.

I know the wellness industry and so-called gurus have commercialised finding yourself. They call it becoming your authentic self...bla bla bla. For clarity, I'm not dissing any of it. I have a kindle with over 800+ self-help and business books. I'm highlighting it can be so overwhelming, that's all! 

Many gurus say do this, do that... They claim, "If you don't do X, Y, Z, you won't be happy or successful or find love or whatever." Each expert contradicts one another or rehash trends. I know. I've read enough to spot the contradictions.

Now, we also have self publishing and the rise of micro-media that amplify do this, do that, not his, not that. Blogs (mines included), Podcasts, YouTube, Substacks, Social Media etc.

It's too much. Wayyy too much.

Yes, there are some nuggets in the information.

I'm all for it and entrepreneurship. But, we need to pause - for a bit - to let our minds, heart, and soul rest. Let us reset. Let us find who we are.

Being forced to conform has consequences on the one being forced to conform. The pressures of societal norms or to be normal plays havoc on our minds and hearts.

The pressure on us to look a certain way, to be a certain way - f*ck! It's exhausting!

The Us vs Them mentality.

If you're different, you're ostracised. You're made fun of and made to feel less than everyone else. In some extreme cases, as we are seeing today, you're killed!

Like WTF?

What is going on in our minds and hearts that we have ended up like this?

It's our system that's broken .Not us. Not our kids. It's outdated. It's societal. It's cultural.

It's changeable!

We need to unite to promote change.

We must inspire inclusion and celebrate all forms of diversity.

Sharon Stone said "Diversity can mean more than one thing. Diversity can mean an injury. Diversity can be the colour of your skin. Diversity can mean standing up for yourself. We are here to raise our voices to demand for you. We demand that you be seen. We demand that you be heard..."

I'd like to add...Diversity can mean everything that makes us human! Here are some dimensions of diversity. It’s what makes us unique. It’s what makes us interesting. And should be celebrated.

#ADmomo - I'm digressing :) 

(Lol. I'll do this throughout the blog as I'm purposefully recording any ADHD moments to give you a sense of what's going on in my brain. I call them ADmomo's as in "ADHD moments."

So when you see the #ADmomo hashtag, you'll know what it means. It's a salute to myself, accepting my quirks.)

A Systemic Change

We need a systemic change. Many countries are making a big push for workplace diversity and inclusion. This is great. It’s a good starting point. It's a good education. 

Hopefully it will become more practical. 

Hopefully, understanding and acceptance will be practised culturally. 

Hopefully lead to a systemic change.

Honestly, I'm not sure. If you look at what's going on throughout our wider world currently. Perhaps, that's us in transition mode? I'm not buying it.

We need more help. We need more voices. Our next generation needs us to stand up and use our voices. In Sharon Stone's words "We are here to raise our voices to demand for you. We demand that you be seen. We demand that you be heard..."

Let's get educated. Let's stand up. Let's unite and create change. 

We want all to feel we are enough. 

With so much mental dissonance, the least we can do is make the people we are in contact with, that little bit happier :) 

I have always had an interest in philosophy, diversity of thought and wisdom. So I started studying practical philosophy this year. Wow -it's fascinating. I study at the School of Philosophy & Economic Science.

We debate the teachings of many philosophers, thinkers, poets, and writers. With a goal to unite people and strengthen our sense of connectedness.

Let's strengthen our unity and our connectedness. 

By fostering an inclusive culture together. 

For our next generation.

My Inspiration 

3min Read.

There is a special boy in my life whom I love dearly.

This blog is dedicated to him.

It's my hope that it will be his North Star as he navigates life. Something to refer to at times of confusion, trusting it will put him back on the right track again.

It was he, who triggered my journey of figuring out if I had ADHD or not. 

At the time, I didn't know what ADHD was. I thought ADHD was hyperactive boys who jump around furniture and cannot sit still. Full of energy. Like how kids are after eating a ton of sugar at a party.

Oh my, little did I know!

So, naturally it didn't cross my mind that I could have ADHD - until...

This boy mentioned the word Hyperfocus to me in conversation. It was a flippant remark. I'm not sure how I picked up on it. But that word, hyperfocus, resonated with me. I knew I could focus. I (thought) didn't have the tell tale signs of not being able to sit still. But I could focus.

Wow, could I focus! I could spend days, weeks, months on something, absolutely fixated. Forgetting to eat. Holding in my pee until the last minute - ssshhh! 😬 Time seemed to slow, slow, sloooow down. It is an incredible feeling.

Other times I would focus on the wrong things. Wrong things are things I shouldn't focus on. I should focus on things like VAT returns, admin, laundry and boring everyday stuff. Instead I would focus on things that I had an interest in. Putting the important but boring stuff on the long finger - to the point that it causes issues. Never giving a second thought to the consequences.

That's when I thought...hmmm there is a possibility that I could have ADHD??

Though...that thought didn’t last too long - as most thoughts don't #ADmomo.

I was on holiday a few months later. I spoke to another girl who had been diagnosed with ADHD and had gone through a tough time. During our conversation, I asked what book she was reading and her reply was “I can’t read [concentrate] as I have ADHD”. 

I remember thinking silently to myself, I can read. I can devour books, perhaps I don’t have ADHD?

My inner dialogue had arguments for and against the idea that I had ADHD. It pinged around in my brain for months before I explored it.

I'm mentioning this now so you can get a picture of how we can pass things off as something else. How we can keep our internal dialogue going for months without any action. Prolonging any suffering. If you think you may have the symptoms of ADHD, seek professional health advice - today.

Not sure why it took me so long to act - perhaps I was afraid of the outcome - who knows!

These kids are my inspiration. They have gone through so much emotionally at such a young age. I'm so proud of them. How far they have come. How wonderful they are. I'm privileged to be able to witness them growing into beautiful young adults. I'm super excited for them as they have their whole life ahead of them.

That's why I want to help create a world that's kinder to them.

Kinder for everyone.

With your help.

Not Normal

2min Read.

I knew what I was experiencing wasn't Normal.

The shame from that one word was too much for any kid. Actually, it haunted me until I was 42 years old. There was no need.

Not fitting in. Not belonging. Not being enough. Wanting to belong. Wanting to fit in.

Oh how it fed my self loathing.

It was at the core of my many layers of masks. It reinforced my core belief that I wasn't enough.

How many kids are feeling this today? How many adults are feeling like this today?

Too Many!

This feeling of aloneness. Of being separated from...abandoned even!

All stems from a lack of acceptance and understanding in our society. I'd love to hear your thoughts, please comment below.

Looking back, I felt ostracised - I made myself feel ostracised because I knew I was different. This was before I had any backlash from society.

Culturally, it didn't help that I grew up as a Catholic. To me, Catholicism is one of the most shameful religions out there - everything is a sin! It made me feel like I was a sin. That I was a bad person. The very essence of who I was, was bad.

The Troubles plagued Northern Ireland where I grew up at the time. As a child, I thought people were killed because of who they were - either Catholic or Protestant. As I didn't know there were many other religions.

Both religions rejected homosexuality.

I am a gay woman.

As you can see, there are lots of reasons why I could tell myself that I wasn't Normal. Why I could have filled myself with self loathing and shame. I never once twigged that my emotive self loathing and shame spirals are symptoms of ADHD. Ironically, I thought they were Normal!

I want to stop other kids feeling that feeling of utter shame - the ultimate aloneness.

Making them feel that they'll do anything to belong and losing themselves in the process. Breeding people pleasers who are full of anxiety. 

I want them to feel safe and secure in their own skin. To know they are enough as they are and that it's ok to be different.

To celebrate diversity. 

It has taken a long time for me to understand and feel at my core:

It-Is-Not-My-Fault.

It-Is-The-Way-I-Was-Born.

It’s biological. It’s in my genes. It’s how my brain is wired. That's all. It’s not my fault.

Normal is a dangerous paradigm. Multifaceted. It’s deep.

It has profound implications on our mental wellbeing. It stigmatises mental illnesses, impairments and neurodiversity.

It limits our growth and puts a full stop at innovation.

It impacts self esteem and discourages acceptance. It discourages understanding. It creates Us and Them mentalities.

Let's drop the Normal from our vocabulary!

 How AI Depicts Our ADHD Brains!

So...what the heck is ADHD anyway? 

I can write a lot so I've broken this post up into two parts - apparently oversharing is another ADHD trait...anywhooo, here's Part 2.

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To our creative adventures ahead.

Charlene x

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Let's continue this journey, together: #001: Art, ADHD and Adventures: Unveiling ADHD - Part 2 is next.