#002: Art, ADHD and Adventures: Unveiling ADHD - Part 2

So what the heck is ADHD? 

3min Read.

 

ADHD stands for Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder.

An awful name in my opinion.

You can find lots of medical definitions if you Google ADHD. In a few short sentences ADHD is a disorder of the Executive Function in the brain. 

"Executive function is a set of mental skills that include working memory, flexible thinking, and self-control.

We use these skills every day to learn, work, and manage daily life.

Trouble with executive function can make it hard to focus, follow directions, and handle emotions, among other things."

Hyperfocus

Personally, I don't believe I have an attention deficit.

I believe it's quite the opposite. People with ADHD have an outstanding ability to focus, referred to as Hyperfocus.

I know everyone is different. Symptoms can display different for each person.

We all have different backgrounds, upbringings, cultures, biologies and physiologies. So symptoms usually present differently and in intensity, with some common traits.

I'm speaking about my personal experience. I am not a medical professional, please seek medical support if you are worried about having ADHD.

Hyperfocus is where I can focus intently for long periods of time on certain things. These things have to grab my interest, otherwise I cant focus on them.

So the challenge for me is not how to focus but what I focus on.

Through my research I found this is due to a dopamine deficiency in our brains. We consistently seek out dopamine hits. Because dopamine the reward, motivation and pleasure centres in our brains.

We react to what is in the now, what is right in front of us. There's an event, we respond. We don't have any concept of time. I'll do into more detail later.

Dopamine plays a crucial role in the we process and respond to information and stimuli.

It's not that we won't focus. We cannot focus. Literally!

We can't control it. We cant try harder. 

#ADmomo - I've sat down 2hrs ago to edit this. I have jumped around another 20 websites, going down a what is ADHD rabbit hole (I already know!). I must easily have 50-100 tabs open. I'm in the process receiving info from ChatGPT as I just asked: "How can I optimise my brain better, here's the results of a questionnaire I just completed." - that I scored 100% in ADHD traits.

I thought it was quite apt - right here - to add my #ADmomo lol.

Think of the deficiency in ADHD brains as this analogy.

Physically, we can all hold our hand over a burning flame. However, our brains wont hold our hand there as it hurts too much. So no matter how many times we drag our hand to the flame, our brains wont let us keep it there.

Physically we are capable of doing things. Mentally there's a disconnect.

That's exactly how it is for me. I know I can do things. But somehow no matter what I do, even when I'm trying with all my might, I cannot. I cannot start something. I cannot do something. I cannot finish something. 

It's so frustrating. It fills me with the feeling of incompetence. It makes me feel stupid inside.

Throughout my life I kept repeating I'm Not Stupid in various emotional situations. It wasn't until I was writing this post that I realised I have been fighting with myself all these years.

My mind was fighting with my brain. Telling it, it's not stupid!

The shame. The guilt. The self loathing.

The torture I put myself through all those years!

Thankfully, I now have a reason. It wasn't my fault. It's biological.

I'm adopting healthier thought patterns and the guilt and shame have dissipated dramatically.

I have to play games with my brain to stimulate it. Ensuring there are visual and immediate rewards, or consequences. Fabricate deadlines. Build in lots of mini-breaks. Fabricate playful ways to create that dopamine hit.

And ask for help! That has been a hard one. I'm getting better at it. 

ADHD is multifaceted. There's a lot to it. I'll try to explain what I can through this blog series.

The Hyperactivity Disorder can present both physically (fidgeting, not being able to stand still) or internal. For me, it's primarily internal. What I mean by internal, is that my mind is hyperactive.

It doesn't stop. It's relentless. A million thoughts a minute, every second of every minute.

Some people's symptoms can be more on the AD side than the HD side or vice versa. Others have combined symptoms.

Dopamine 

3min Read.

Dope-a-what?

Yeah, exactly what I thought when I first heard of Dopamine.

As I alluded to earlier, people with ADHD tend to have a dopamine deficiency.

Dopamine is a neurotransmitter, a chemical messenger in the brain. It helps carry messages to different parts of the brain.

Dopamine is key for making us feel pleasure. It helps us stay motivated and to focus.

Let's imagine our brain is set up like Deliveroo. The map is our brain. A neurotransmitter, in this case dopamine, are the Deliveroo riders. Delivering takeaways (messages) to different parts of the brain (territories on the map).

The Deliveroo riders deliver the takeaways by any means. This happens depending on their energy levels. Low energy they would walk, then use a pushbike, car or motorbike. The more energy they have, the faster the mode of transport that's awarded.

A brain without ADHD has Deliveroo riders on pushbikes. They deliver takeaway in a timely manner and at a steady speed. Everything runs smoothly. Everything is in balance and everyone is happy.

But a brain with ADHD doesn't have enough push bikes to supply to all the Deliveroo riders.

So, some homes get their takeaways on time. These are the ones that got a pushbike. Others homes receive cold takeaways as they are delivered late. This is because two Deliveroo drivers decided to share the resources. They used one pushbike between them.

Others don't get their takeaway at all. Naturally, they become emotional and quite frustrated. Hangry!

As time goes on, some Deliveroo riders become clogged up at the restaurant - waiting for a pushbike. This could depict procrastination.

Then, they all rush to get their push bikes at the very last minute. Leaving tasks until the deadline.

Other riders decided to walk only delivering one or two takeaways a night. This can relate to a task that was started but not finished.

Others rush to deliver as many as possible using their pushbike and exhaust themselves.

The whole set up is a sh*tshow.

People are complaining to the restaurant - self loathing.

It's chaotic - feelings overwhelm and brain fog.

Then...

When a person with ADHD goes into hyperfocus mode...

A couple of the Deliveroo riders found cars at the back of the restaurant.

Others came across motorbikes.

They hop in and wiz around delivering takeaways at super speed focusing on a certain area.

This works super well for a while. It could be classified as super efficient even! This is when people with ADHD knock out a full book in a month when it takes others a year.

And over time, they take over this territory entirely.

The Deliveroo riders that have the motorbikes make the best progress. They can wiz through streets, alleyways, skip traffic by using footpaths. They learn new routes, find shorter routes. They understand their territory intimately . They are super efficient.

But other areas are not getting their takeaways (the brain's messages).

Messages like "I'm hungry" or "I need to pee" or "I'm meeting my wife"...over an hour ago.

These messages don't get delivered to the appropriate parts of the brain. All the energy is being supplied to the super efficient area. That's it.

Then, after a period of time, the super efficient Deliveroo riders run out of petrol. Their motorbikes or cars don't work anymore. This is like when people with ADHD burn out after a period of hyperfocus.

They need to rest. To recuperate. That's why I'm laying on the couch at 4pm most days.

Then, the whole process starts again.

When we compare this to a brain that is operating efficiently and in balance. It's easy to understand why people with ADHD experience chaos.

Or why they forget things, obvious things - their takeaways are not being delivered.

Or seem spaced out half way through a conversation with you - their Deliveroo rider just found a motorbike.

ADHD brains are rarely in balance. It's all or nothing thus operating at a deficiency or super fast. Both modes use up a lot of energy.

We can burn out really quickly and crash hard - both emotionally and physically.

I'd love to hear your experiences, please comment below. 

 

Do I Get Any Relief?

2min Read.

Oh, I'm just remembering that I do have a physical hyperactive thing I have that screams ADHD! ...it's my hair twirl lol. #ADmomo

It must be the reason for my curly hair?? The art at the start of this post is a self portrait. It's here again for your convenience. 

My brain is non-stop. It never ends. Coupled with so much internal energy. It's relentless. It's millions of thoughts at once. It's fast. Sometimes too fast for me. It's definitely too fast for neurotypicals. It's exhausting!

Social media has been a great tool for me. It's helped me spot various traits. Not everyone has the amount and intensity of mind chatter that I have.

I thought it was normal - there's that word again!

Do I get any relief?

I get relief when I'm in flow.

Flow is the melting together of action and consciousness.

Flow to me, is when I'm experiencing my brain as quiet as it can be.

That usually is when my brain is engaged in something I'm interested in. Something complex, like researching an interesting topic. Something creative like brainstorming or writing. This post for example. Or painting. Usually when I'm creating something from nothing. 

As we've learned earlier I'm getting my dopamine hits when my Deliveroo riders find their motorbikes. This feels like flow for me. It's relief.

I love learning. New information for my brain is like turning off the amplifier when playing the electric guitar. My brain has to focus. Concentrate on the quiet strings.

That's why I love complex topics. Such as philosophy, business, geopolitics and economics. They are never-ending, need deep thinking and concentration. There are connections within each of them relating to each other.

Thankfully, I've learned to enjoy reading fiction snd perhaps give my brain a bit of balance. I used to find it boring…it was way too slow. Un-stimulating.

Until I read Strange Sally Diamond, by Liz Nugent. Check it out! It’s the only book that has gripped me from the beginning and held my interest until I finished it. There will be a resources post later in the series that will have links to various recommended books, both fiction and non-fiction.

Through my research, I learned that reading fiction helps with your brain's neuroplasticity. Again, as this subject is so important I'll be dedicating a full post on it later in the series.

Neuroplasticity

5min Read.

Neuroplasticity is another scientific term. It's when you help your brain rewire and change itself. This usually happens in response to stimuli. For example learning, using imagination or exercise.

Our brains are not static, they are malleable so we can help reduce any negative ADHD symptoms.

ADHD is a permanent, life long neurological development condition. It's classified as a disability. As of today, there is no cure for ADHD. So anything that can help manage and reduce any negative symptoms is great news.

Sticking with the Deliveroo analogy. Think of neuroplasticity as new roads built, reducing the delivery time. The riders also find faster routes through alleyways and backstreets. They find more motorbikes to zip through the streets. There are more gas stations in the locality, so they an stay out for longer.

Scientific research also shows the more we use our brain the more it will grow, like working a muscle at the gym. Coupled with the neuroplasticity phenomenon can improve executive functioning and overall cognitive abilities.

It's positive news for people with ADHD.

However, it's a lot of work. It's a lifestyle change. Developing new habits and unlearning old ones. It's emotional and not easy. It's a process. But worth it in the end. I'm over 2 years into my journey and still figuring things out. So please, be kind to yourself. Be patient with yourself.

So reading, researching, using our imagination (for me it's writing and painting)

Make sure to rest. Listen to your body and rest as much as you can. I know it's hard for us to really rest.

The brain uses a lot of energy, on average a human brain is about 2% of bodyweight, yet it uses 20% of the body's oxygen. Meaning it burns 20% of the body's calories while using the oxygen.

Burning through 20% of your daily energy reserve.

That's a lot.

Rest doesn't just mean laying down, sleeping. Or being a couch potato. It can also mean spending time in nature. Away from screens. Go for a relaxing walk. Maybe listen to a walking meditation.

#ADmomo - I've digressed again! Lol. Back to the topic at hand - do I get any relief?

Yes, I get relief when my brain is engaged.

This can be exhausting as we just established the brain is an energy intensive organ.

I can become extremely frustrated. Utterly overwhelmed!

Especially when I cannot find a solution instantaneously. My mind is blank. Then filled with worry and self doubt. I used to think I didn't have the patience for hard things. I thought I needed more time to learn or research (brain relief activities).

What I have found out is that my brain doesn't know how to work on hard problems. Problem solving is an executive function ability.

But, I would have thought I was a problem solver as I see things others don't? Now, I realise that I can see the solution at times but don't know how to communicate the steps effectively. This creates a lot of frustration emotionally. I know that I've done a lot of research and innately know this is the best solution but I cannot communicate it.

It's hindered my professional development.

Maybe I have forgotten it? Maybe it was the completely wrong solution.

I don't know.

What I do know is that I can't prioritise steps to reach goals. Sometimes I'm lost in organising mode and I get nothing of value done. I used to have so many productivity apps, Asana, Clickup, Trello, Monday...you name it. I've used it.

Again, I go back into research mode. My comfort zone. My brain's relief zone.

This is where AI has helped immensely. I use it to formulate my ideas constructively. It also helps me communicate more effectively. It helps me translate what's inside so people on the outside can understand me. It has given me freedom. I know that's a bold statement. But it has.

The frustration of not having a solution can turn into a compulsion. A tenacious drive to find a solution. Which can be dangerous as I'm getting the dopamine hits to prove (to myself) that I can find the solution. Eventually wasting time on the wrong outcome. Just to prove a point - to me. This has ruined relationships. The inflexibility. The intensity of the emotive treasure hunt.

Then, the moment I've learned something, or it's a system, a set of steps to repeat over and over (like most jobs) - I'm gone. I'm bored. I'm onto the next thing. Leaving things undone. Setting myself up to be fired.

No matter what the consequences - unless it's survival - I won't do it. Sorry, I can't do it! That has plagued me for years.

No wonder I had some much self loathing. I blamed myself for all this. That I was useless, even though I knew somewhere deep inside that I wasn't stupid. There was a missing link somewhere. Now I know that link is biological and not my fault.

That is a relief.

The only other time I get relief is when I take stimulants. Like caffeine or ADHD stimulant medication. I didn’t know this until I did my deep dive research into ADHD - stimulants quieten my mind!!? Like WTF? For most people, stimulants stimulate!

A significant percentage (25%) of people suffering from substance abuse and addiction tend to have ADHD. Usually undiagnosed ADHD.

People with ADHD are 5x-10x more likely to have an alcohol addiction than those without. With over 70% of young adults using substances to self medicate rather than getting high.

Those statistics are shocking. But I can understand why. ADHD is relentless.

My friends used to be in awe (well shock really) at how much coffee I would drink in the mornings. I could easily have up to 10 coffees before lunchtime. The strongest americano please ;)

Don't worry, I'm opting for decaf coffee more and more these days!

At the time, I didn’t realise that I wasn’t chasing the high from the caffeine. I was actually chasing the silentness of my mind on stimulants.

It’s crazy to think that now, but it all makes sense looking back.

Finding Rhythm

1min Read.

Stimulants work fast and crash fast.

That leads to other challenges, like managing my energy. I've gone through a lot of trial and error over the last couple of years. Putting myself through various micro-experiments. At different times of the month (hormones).

Different variations and hypotheses. Eliminating certain foods. Reintroducing foods. Exercise. Running. Green time (spending time in nature). Supplements. Zero supplements. Varying bedtime. Sleep duration. The works! All to find out what works for me, to find my rhythm. 

Thankfully it seems to have paid off as I'm in a much better place now.

My rhythm is following my energy, not fighting it.

My rhythm is going with my ADHD flow, not fighting it.

My rhythm is working on things I enjoy and challenge me.

My rhythm is me accepting me as I am.

I’ll go into more detail later about how I manage my day to day, the benefits, any tools and challenges. In the meantime I'd love to hear all your experiences too.

Emotive Masking

2min Read.

Until a year ago, I was so entangled in masking that I lost myself. Completely. Masking is where people with ADHD try to cover up their symptoms by copying what people who don't have ADHD do. I quickly learned what was socially acceptable and did that. I conformed. 

This created an obscene amount of anxiety internally. I didn't consciously know that I was doing this. There was a disconnect somewhere, but where? Can you imagine the torment?

I experience intense emotions.

On the richter scale of emotions - again - I didn’t realise that they were so intense.

I learned at a young age to suppress them. Deep, deep down. So deep never to be found! This is another symptom of masking and not a healthy strategy. I was completely disassociated from my emotions. For years. Decades.

And there was no way I was going to go there. I knew if I did, I would explode.

So, I developed a people pleasing attitude. Just keep the peace. Zero conflict. And zero opportunity for a spark to ignite that big emotional beast inside me. Friends, family, lovers, associates, colleagues, clients, bosses...Great. Everyone is happy, right?

Absolutely they are! All but me. Slowly building internally for years.

I worked through a lot in therapy, but knew there was something else. I was going over the same bull for too many years. I couldn’t figure out why I felt the way I did.

I had a few therapists. It wasn’t their fault. They were not trained to recognise the ADHD in me. Neither was I. There were a million other reasonable reasons why I was the way I was. That's why I've gone untreated for so long. Bubbling under the radar.

Therapy is what you make of it. So if I’m totally unaware and present my symptoms as something else, the therapist will run with that.

Looking back, I now know I had unknowingly gone through a process of elimination. Eventually led me to my ADHD diagnosis. Hopefully others will see themselves in some of what I've shared and be able to reach out for support. Sooner rather than later!

I can't tell the difference between my emotions. I know the difference between a positive and negative emotion - obviously. I can't tell the difference between frustration and anger or happiness and joy or sadness and depression. This creates a lot of confusion internally. Externally too.

This confusion led to frustration - frustration is my go to negative emotion lol - as I cannot communicate what I want. I cannot communicate my basic needs.

I blamed everything on me. It was my fault so I swallowed my feelings. I’m causing the pain here. Resulting being in hypervigilant mode for years - like masking on steroids.

No wonder I burnt out.

Unveiling ADHD.

1min Read.

Masking is what neurodivergent people do to fit in. We try to cover up our symptoms by copying the behaviours of neurotypical people and suppressing our own quirks.

It's acceptable to adopt certain diplomacy behaviours in certain social situations. Like at work, at an event or whatever. These are social skills - not masking.

You completely lose yourself to masking. Ultimately not knowing where you start and the masking ends. Every time I masked an ADHD symptom in a social situation, I was adding another veil that covered up the real me. Over time - it's just layers and layers of veils.

And oh boy...how difficult it was to cut through many layers of veils.

I never really understood the term being your authentic self until now. I am slowly unlearning and dropping the mountain of veils I had gathered throughout the years. 

This is the very reason I started writing. I have always journalled throughout my life. Writing allows me to decipher what was going on internally. I also found that it's helpful in boosting reasoning and problem solving skills.

Now I use it to communicate more effectively and making sure my needs are being met. It's an expression of self love.

Do you write? What are your expressions of self love? I'd love to hear your stories.

Diagnosis 

4min Read.

After a while of having the for and against arguments in my head as to whether I have ADHD or not, I decided to look into it further. The hyperfocus term intrigued me. I wanted to know more. That’s where I started, Googling hyperfocus, the traits, what is ADHD, how does it affect people etc. etc.

I started following various people on social media. Devouring podcasts. Listening to audio books and reading anything I could get my hands on. Falling down rabbit holes!

#ADmomo - I think I hyperfocused towards a diagnosis lol

I found out that ADHD affected girls differently from boys. That's when things really started to make sense. One book in particular helped me understand me.

It was A Radical Guide for Women with ADHD, by Sari Solden & Micheel Frank. Kudos to the authors - for me, they were spot on and I thought I was reading a book about myself!

I was still in a state of confusion. Riddled with fear and anxiety, what if I have ADHD? What then? What will people think? What about work - how could I cope?

Trying to understand what the heck ADHD is? Learning to be self aware enough to understand my own brain. To understand how it reacts to stimuli - or not - how it reacts to uninteresting events?

Learning how biology, physiology, hormones and the menstrual cycle affected my brain. Not to mention, my emotional state and trying to untangle my emotional spirit.

Everything affects your brain.

It was so overwhelming. 

I tackled it as a process of elimination. I spoke to my doctor, my therapist and created a plan to figure all this out. I wanted to understand what my baseline brain was like - now - through the lens of knowing my quirks are ADHD.

With zero medication. What was my brain really like?

This kicked off a very, very slow process of reducing my current medication. That resulted in navigating through some intense emotional situations. All driven by fear and anxiety. The feeling of being pulled in two directions. Trying to unlearn some unhealthy habits and learn new habits.

Unlearning - that's the most difficult!

Creating A Healthier Lifestyle

Like getting the basics right. Ensuring I get enough sleep. My optimum sleep duration is 9 hrs a day. Ensuring my nutrition was appropriate and making sure I get enough exercise.

I use the gym for strength training and running for brain relief. Running is super important to managing my ADHD. I'm editing this a good few weeks after originally writing it. Since I've started new medication, my motivation for running has gone to the bottom of the tank. Strange! I'm still in experiment mode and will provide an update later.

I am so grateful to have a support network around me and love me. My supportive (and patient) wife, friends and family - all have been there to help me along this journey. My wife has given me the space and freedom to allow me to just "be". To drop the masking.

That's a scary concept, will she still love me? Did she fall in love with the masking me, or the ADHD me?

She gave me the freedom to lose myself in me and eventually come full circle and reconnect with the real me. 

It hasn't been easy, for either of us, but it has been worth it.

ADHD: The Invisible Challenge

I conformed and masked who I was to fit into any social situation. This caused most of my emotional pain. I didn't know this at the time as I learnt at a very young age how to behave, think, feel, be. Like most of us do.

I created a persona of someone who I thought I was - but really - I was living up to everyone else's expectations. I suppressed who I really was so I could fit in with others. So I could belong.

I developed an innate superpower to read a room quickly, like in 0.17 seconds and respond accordingly. I didn't know I was doing this - it was automatic - I guess I thought this was normal behaviour.

I read articles about living true to your authentic self and honestly, as I said before, I never really understood it until now. The funny thing was, I thought I did understand it! I thought I was living as my true self. Which is both very interesting psychological phenomenon and scary!

Introvert All The Way!

To give you an example, one thing I uncovered about myself that truly shocked me is that I'm an introvert at heart.

I built a persona and life - both work & social life - around the persona of an extrovert. I created a life that was the complete opposite to what really fed my soul and energy. Alcohol being an enabler, of course!

Living this life has exhausted my whole being and spirit.

No wonder I burnt out.

I crashed! Had a total breakdown…unbeknownst to me, it lasted years!

This is why I want to share my story. It is to help others avoid going as far as an emotional breakdown before getting a diagnosis or the support they need.

To advocate and raise awareness about the day-to-day impact of lacking support. They try to manage an untreated mental impairment and to change the system one step at a time.

It's the invisible challenge thousands of people are navigating every day. 

ADHD is not all bad...

48sec Read.

Over the last many months, by developing a deep understanding of my mind, body and brain I was able to reframe my thinking on some ADHD symptoms.

I have fully accepted who I am and changed the lens I was looking through to a brighter, more confident me, fully embracing my whole self. This was facilitated by a wonderful coach, Laura Mongey - I highly recommend her services. 

The intensity of emotions I feel has allowed me to truly empathise with people. To really connect with people on a deeper level and meet them where they are at. Letting go of my inhibitions and experiencing human connection. 

It has transformed my relationships.

I had to assess and restructure all my relationships, starting with the relationship with myself. Then my wider circle of family, friends and associates. 

During this process I realised some people were not a healthy influence in my life and had to let them go. With everyone else, I created healthier dynamics that have led to more fulfilling and deeper connections.

I Have Never Felt So Loved!

Never felt so supported and so accepted.

Being true to yourself really does bring contentment and happiness that I have read in many of those self help books!

By truly loving yourself you do feel the love from everyone else...a fabulous paradox of life!

 

 

ADHD Superpower?

1.5min Read.

Ok, my last point and thanks for staying with me this long. I wanted to ensure you understood the full context before going through the other posts...thank you for your time and patience. I hope it's been valuable.

Through my research I came across the term ADHD Superpower a lot. At the time I never understood what it was. In hindsight, I wasn't in the right headspace to accept it was a thing. I was going through a lot of challenges internally and couldn't look at anything positively.

I was still viewing things through the lens of never being enough and doing anything to meet other people's expectations so they would accept me.

Now, after giving myself the space to work things out. I'm well on my way through my healing process. I now know that my ADHD Superpower is the irresistible urge I have - deep inside me...to create.

I cannot find the words to explain this feeling. It's intense. It's vibrant. It's energetic. You could mistake it for an obsession, a compulsion maybe? Maybe not, as that gives a negative connotation.

There is an energy force deep inside me that urges me to create. It's light, it's energetic. It's full of ideas. It's full of words. It speaks to me. Words just keep pouring out of me. Art keeps being created, amplified by AI.

I have zero control over it.

I have to create - to write, to paint, to consume, to dissect, to build, to rebuild, to connect the dots, to reconnect the dots - and to create again.

Sometimes I'm woken out of a deep sleep at 4am, other days I'm laying on the sofa sleeping at 4pm as I've burnt my brain out and need to recharge.

So...I decided to respond to this energy and give it an outlet, a purpose, something to explore and experiment with. 

That something...is this blog and my affordable art prints projects.

I have no idea what will come of this experiment and am excited to see what unfolds - eek!

------

To our creative adventures ahead.

Charlene x

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Let's continue this journey, side by side: #002: Art, ADHD and AI: How AI Saved My Life! is next.